Mass Shootings: What Can I Do About It?

 Mass Shootings: What Can I Do About It? 

We watch the latest school or workplace shooting on TV, as if it were just another episode of a cop show. We blame the mentally ill, guns, gun owners, lawmakers beholding to the gun owners. We wring our hands, and promptly put it out of our minds...until it happens again. Could it be that we are so inured to violence that we are no longer shocked by it? And, if we are shocked, that it is so scary as to be paralyzing? Or do we want to avoid the recognition that we, too, have a part to play in these sad events? For don’t we all harbor anger and indulge in it from time to time, with more or less control? And can’t we all do something to keep our own anger in check, and perhaps help others to do likewise? Shootings, road rage, twitter rants, bullying, and hate crimes are obvious, overt acts of destructive anger. But the more subtle forms also put negative energy into a world that is already saturated with it. For example, an unkind attitude expressed by gossip is, in fact, anger triggered and targeted in hurtful ways; and, if indulged in by enough people in a group, can make that group toxic.

Imagine the effect an angry attitude has on others. Say a man has a problem with someone in his workplace. And instead of addressing it with that individual in a respectful way, he complains about him to everyone else. Nothing gets resolved. His anger persists, intensifies. And when the object of his gossip inevitably learns what has been said about him behind his back, that person generates more anger. He can then pass that negative energy onto others who do the same. The negative energy bounces around like a pinball, affecting everyone’s morale, until someone recognizes it for what it is, and takes it out of circulation. This takes an objective third party with emotional intelligence - E IQ - that knows what anger is about, and deals with it appropriately. 

One helpful response from such a third-party “emotional coach” could be to listen to both of the angry individuals separately, to absorb and diffuse their negative energy, and to model the understanding and respect that both parties need to show each other in order to resolve the conflict. Once a rapport of understanding is reached, the coach might point out to the individuals that, in most any situation, people view things differently, and, those who are successful at conflict resolution make it plain that they want to see the situation from the other person’s perspective. The coach could point out that understanding a person’s viewpoint doesn’t mean agreeing with it. The coach could also role play the highly effective “I statement” technique, where a person says to the other “I have a problem. Can you help me with my problem? I feel (uneasy, hurt, misunderstood, miffed, etc.), when you seem to me to (dismiss, ignore, downplay, etc.) what I’m doing. I don’t want this to affect our working together. Can you help me?” This approach allows for the aggrieved party to bring their feelings out in the open without making the other person feel blamed or attacked.  The coach might also suggest that an individual apologize. Apology doesn’t necessarily mean admission of wrong-doing, but it might look like sorrow for how the other person is feeling. Eventually the coaching approach could lead to getting the individuals to sit across from each other, and, by turns, to state directly their issue with the other person without attacking them, to ask for what they each want to see happen, and go for a compromise solution, the “win-win”. In a workplace, that task normally would fall to the supervisor, once they learn of the conflict. Of course, the supervisor has clout by virtue of their position, and can expect the warring parties to reach a workable solution, or face consequences. In other situations anyone can broker a mediation, if the mediator is respected by both parties. In this case the parties defer to the “moral authority” that the mediator has gained by virtue of their own high level of E IQ, as evidenced by the respect and compassion that they have shown towards others.       

 

If left unchecked negative energy can reach a person on the edge, one whose rage is barely contained, one who experienced a lifetime of abuse, for example, and never had a emotional coach, as above. The trigger of rage is pulled and what is roiling around in that person’s gut can hurt or even kill, Mr. Hyde springing like a suddenly uncaged animal from Dr. Jekyll. Monstrous energy erupts in society as the tragedy of mass shooting. 

We can’t all be psychotherapists, but we can deal with our own Mr. Hyde lurking inside, not blame others in situations of conflict, and take 100% responsibility for our part in it. Not only do we, then, deal effectively with our own issues, we also can be better prepared when called upon to be that someone with emotional intelligence, that everyday hero or friend in need, to help defuse anger. As a society we all need to increase our E IQ to be able to recognize, reach out to, and help people in turmoil, particularly those who are marginalized or seen as different. We can all do our part to change our society to one of greater civility. Then what couldn’t happen in Newtown, or Parkland, or Columbine, but did, won’t happen here.