For No Good Reason

 For No Good Reason

1. Here’s all you need to know about relationships. A successful relationship boils down to how you and your partner like your eggs. It’s true. Two Soft-boiled people mush together such that you can’t tell one from the other. Two Hard-boileds bounce off each other. A Softie and a Hardie, though, complement and learn from one another. Frieds need a break from each other. Scrambleds need to straighten out their own life first. And Devileds better split-up quick. Most successful? Over-easys. Over-easys have an admirable attitude considering they’re in a frying pan of a relationship. Ask your partner what kind of egg they are, if you dare. Be careful, though. They might think you’re Cracked.

2. I checked out some of my data on a website. My marital status, so it said, was “Civil Union.” Mostly true. 

3. As my grandson, Connor, age 7, says, “People that live near the ocean have to look out for salamis.”

4. The Olde Philosopher, my friend Bruce, spends most of his time in retirement pondering, not puttering, but pondering. He speaks nothing but words of wisdom. Here are a few: “You can’t be lost if you’ve never been found. Remembering is for those who forget. If you don’t know where to start, go back to the beginning.” Deep.

5. Relative humidity is a meteorological term that refers to a young man sweating-out a first meeting with his girlfriend’s family.

6. Here’s a quote by Noah Webster. “My wife says I’m wordy when I write and airy when I speak, sort of diction-airy.” This is a for-real quote. Honest.

7. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line. The shortest distance between a certain president and the truth is a very crooked line that never gets there.

8. You know that you and your wife are getting a little older when you say, “I wonder if Joan will come out today.” Your wife answers, “Snow plows? There aren’t any snow plows out.”  You go, “Clouds?” And she goes “What do you mean?” I say, “I don’t know what I mean sometimes.” A benefit: When you can’t hear, you have fewer arguments. Fewer but louder.  

      9.   Doesn’t it just bother you that people use impressive-sounding words! You know 

            they do it just to metagrobolize. I find it factitious, fustian, and solipsistic.           

      10. You did it! You’ve made it to the end of the page. A great start on simply doing nothing 

            today. Well, you do have to write your “To Don’t List,” but you have all day for that. Happy

            cloud gazing!